Self-care 101: Don’t Go It Alone
If you’re a woman, then having a network of friends to talk to is critical when you’re in a crisis. Women work through their stress and trauma through talking. It releases calming, soothing chemicals in our brain (I would tell you which ones if I weren’t too lazy to go upstairs, get the book, and look it up….but I’m trying to practice self-care and not wear myself out). We feel better, literally and figuratively, after a good chat or a good cry with a friend.
When we’re in a crisis, it can be hard to reach out to friends. And, unfortunately, the people we need the most often don’t know what to say or what to do, so they don’t reach out to us either. Fair or not, unless you have a really well-trained group of friends and supporters, you are going to have to take that first step and reach out to them.
Be sure that you have a good network of friends and trusted advisors who you can turn to for advice. Don’t rely on one person, create a network for yourself. Try to assess what your needs are. Who can you call early in the morning or late at night if you are on the verge of losing it? Who can you call if things take a sudden downturn and you need someone RIGHT NOW? Who can you talk to about your most intimate feelings? Who can you talk to about your kids and how your family crisis is affecting them? Who can you talk to about practical issues like carpools, budgeting, or mowing the lawn? Who can give you solid advice about work-life balance if you are working and caregiving?
Make a list. Post it next to your phone….oops, showing my age….make sure these people are on speed dial on your Blackberry or iPhone!
taking care of number one, gretchen
The past week was a busy one for Homeward Deployed! We had a wonderful meeting with Sue Hoppin, author of “A Family’s Guide to the Military for Dummies.” Sue and I planned a curriculum for military spouses to support them in creating portable careers and businesses that reflect their dreams and passions. Look for more updates soon, as we launch a website for our workshops, called “Everthing’s Portable.”
We attended MVLE‘s Golf Tournament reception and spoke with wounded warriors from Walter Reed about how we might support them. Here’s a shout out to Jenna! I hope to hear from you soon. It would be a privilege to serve the men and women you command.
We had a great chat with Todd Bowers, Deputy Director of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America. I look forward to continuing the conversations and exploring ways we might partner to put veterans to to work.
We had another very successful Veterans Task Force meeting at the Greater Springfield Chamber. We discussed our July 15 presentation by America’s Heroes at Work, who are coming to Springfield to educate us about demystifying PTSD and TBI. We are excited to hear the Ron Drach himself may come!
Finally (how much more excitement can we take?), we had a great meeting with Jim Thur of Virginia’s Wounded Warrior Transition program. We talked about how coaching could fit into their program offerings and Jim indicated that he is intested in including us into some Department of Labor grants in the future. We also discussed the needs of two of his clients….a veteran who just graduated from college using the GI Bill, cannot find a job, and is currently homeless….and a military spouse and her child who are on the verge of homelessness following her husband’s deployment, PTSD, and domestic violence. I have been haunted by their stories all weekend and want to activate the Springfield community to support this veteran and military family.
changing the world, one conversation at a time, gretchen
Self-care 101: Exercise
Yes, I know you will hate me for writing this but….exercise is the third leg of the self-care stool. Exercise is good for us in general but it is especially important when we’re caregiving. Surprisingly, exercise actually increases our energy. Exercise also releases endorphins which help to counteract depression, which is so common (and normal) in caregivers. So, even when you feel too tired to load the dishwasher, let alone do a push-up, really try to force yourself to exercise.
If you are not in the habit of exercising, now is a good time to start. You don’t have to do P90X or run ten miles. Start slow if you need to. Try to do at least 15 minutes every day, with a goal of doing 30 minutes every day. Talk a brisk walk. Take a bike ride. Do an exercise video. Dance to the oldies on the radio….or my favorite, pop in a salsa CD, turn the volume up, and go wild! Go to the gym if you have time. Work out on a home weight machine. Play tag with your kids. Yoga counts, and so does pilates. Household chores count, too. Rake leaves. Mow the lawn. Trim a tree. Anything to get your body moving, although real exercise or dancing is more fun.
Some days, you will have more energy than other days. That’s okay, and it’s normal. The goal is to be active for 30 minutes every day. On a down day, do yoga or take a walk if you really can’t get yourself energized for aerobics; use music and dancing to cheer you up. On up days, try to push yourself to do a bit more, perhaps 45 minutes or a more intense workout.
As the Nike people say, “Just do it!”
taking care of number one, gretchen
Self-care 101: The Basics
When we’re dealing with a crisis, one of the most important things, and the first that we overlook or let go, is self-care. Self-care is just want it sounds like….taking care of your Self. Why is that so important? Because if you get sick or burned out, who is going to take care of everyone else? Yes, it’s enticing to think that if you got sick, someone would take care of you but often, especially if you’re a woman, you end up taking care of everyone else WHILE being sick. And, that is SO much harder (voice of experience here).
Everyone will tell you to be sure to get enough rest and eat healthy. That sounds so basic because, well, it is basic. Getting enough sleep will help you control your emotions rather than getting swept away by them. You will be better able to make decisions. You will have more stamina. You will be more likely to eat healthy. You will notice the small details of what is going on with the person you are caregiving, which can be important if you are still dealing with diagnosis.
Eating healthy is the other basic. Too much sugar or fat isn’t good for you anyway. Especially when you are caregiving, you need to treat energizing your body the same way an athlete does. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Drink lots of water. Avoid excess caffeine and alcohol. I know it’s tempting to use that extra jolt of coffee in the morning after a long hard night, and to use alcohol to take the edge off at the end of the day. But, caffeine and alcohol will disrupt your sleep patterns. Binge eating may feel comforting in the moment but I guarantee you you won’t feel better as a caregiver if you get too big to fit in your pants; that will just add to your sense of overwhelm and lack of control.
That’s why they call them the basics!
taking good care of number one, gretchen
Our project with Prudential to support veterans and military spouses in becoming Prudential advisors is really moving forward. We submitted an eight page proposal of how we envision working with them. We attended a reception for other organizations that are partnering with Prudential and we made some great contacts for other collaborations. We were especially pleased to meet career counselors from the University of Maryland who can put us in touch with Terp Vets, the college veterans on campus group.
The Veterans Task Force confirmed the first date for a presentation by America’s Heroes at Work out of the Department of Labor. The workshop will focus on demystifying PTSD and TBI. We are so fortunate to have this partnership.
We are excited to be writing for Examiner.com as the National Military Families Examiner, exposing their readership to the issues faced by military families. We are looking forward to a call with Todd Bowers, Deputy Director at the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America; in an odd coincidence, Todd is good friends with the son of one of my best friends. What a small world! We also look forward to meeting Jim Thur who runs Virginia’s Wounded Warrior Program this week.
changing the world, one conversation at a time, gretchen
For many medical issues, whether it’s a sudden illness or injury or a lifelong condition or disease, there is rarely a single treatment option and medical opinions are rarely 100% in alignment. Every treatment option comes with side effects or repercussions. Every surgery comes with additional risk. Every treatment option has an impact, known or unknown, on quality of life. And, quality of life can only be measured by one person….the person who is ill or injured, who must live every minute of every day with the effects of the treatment plan.
As caregivers, it can be really hard to listen to the person you love when they tell you they cannot face another surgery or that perhaps they really would prefer to let go and die. And, if we truly love someone, we need to put their best interests ahead of what we perceive to be our own self-interest. This can be one of the most wrenching parts of caregiving. A number of years ago, my aunt had to make the painful decision to refuse authorization for treatment of severe pneumonia for my uncle. The doctors assured her that they could “save him.” But, for the sake of what? He was in the later stages of ALS and had no future to look forward to, except the increasingly rapid loss of function until eventually he suffocated to death when his lungs no longer functioned. My aunt made the brave and painful decision to let him go months earlier than expected, in a way that was peaceful and let his final days be ones of dignity.
Even when we are fully supportive of our loved one’s wishes, doctors do not want to listen. Doctors are often so caught up in the pursuit of the latest technology or experimental trial that they forget what is in the best interest of their patient. Only the patient and their family can make the decision that is right for them. Trust that, in the final analysis, you and your loved one will make the right choice for your family.
stand up for yourself, you can do it, gretchen
Okay, my dad was a physician and so was my ex-husband but…DOCTORS ARE NOT GODS!!!! Sorry, guys. You have a lot of training and you know a lot but sometimes you forget to listen.
First, do not let doctors intimidate you. You have the right to ask questions, that’s not challenging their authority, that’s being informed. You have the right to ask for a second opinion, especially if it’s a big scary diagnosis. You have the right to ask about other treatment options, especially if it’s a complex problem. You have the right to ask about complementary medicine, because we are increasingly learning that alternative therapies can be extremely beneficial when paired with traditional medical care. Did you know that yoga breathing can help asthma sufferers avoid or de-escalate asthma attacks? Did you know acupunture can help breech babies turn, avoiding cesaerean sections? Did you know that the Emotional Freedom Technique is an excellent therapy for PTSD?
Second, you have the right to be heard. Doctors tend to discount the symptoms of women, assuming we are hypochondriacs. Doctors often discount what mothers and wives see in their husbands and children because, hey, most of us aren’t doctors. Do not let your doctor dismiss you. As caregivers, we live with the person 24/7; a doctor only sees that person for 30 minutes or so. Women are very intuitive, we pick up on little things that can be important. The people we are caregiving can also mask what we see at home while they are in the doctor’s office. If you’re having trouble getting a doctor to listen, try talking to the nurse. Don’t be afraid to keep a log at home documenting what you see. Do not leave until your concerns have been heard and addressed.
stand up for yourself, you can do it, gretchen
When someone is suddenly ill or injured, we are unexpectedly thrown into a strange new world of medical terms, tests, diagnoses, and treatment plans. If someone breaks a leg, the obvious solution is to set the bone. After a while, the cast comes off, you go through some physical therapy, and voila it’s over. But, many times diagnoses aren’t so simple, competing treatment plans come with varying levels of risk and consequences. And, often, you, the caregiver, are left to make the final decision.
If you find yourself in this strange new world, one of the best things you can do is do your homework. Learn as much as you can. Go online and research the situation using credible sources like the American Cancer Society, the American Heart Association, the National Institutes for Mental Health, the Mayo Clinic, etc. WebMD and even Wikipedia often have good overviews. Call a helpline if one is available. Look for support groups and online chats; they can provide a wealth of real-time advice.
Ask your doctor to refer you to good websites and articles to help you understand treatment options. If your doctor is less than helpful (been there, done that), ask the nurse or a hospital social worker. Call your primary care doctor to see if they can help. Ask a friend who is a doctor or nurse to help, or just a friend who is smart and good at research. Don’t stop, and don’t let one person’s unwillingness to help you stop you.
Remember, knowledge is power and the more knowledge you have, the more you are empowered to make good choices for you and your family. You have the right to know.
stand up for yourself, you can do it, gretchen
Well, we had such a productive week last week that I am afraid we took our long weekend a bit too seriously! And, you know what they say about all work and no play….
Our biggest accomplishment last week was to set in motion a partnership with the Prudential Company to work with them on increasing their diversity as it pertains to veterans and women. Our focus will be on veterans, especially women veterans, and military spouses, 90% of whom are women. We are structuring a year long partnership where we will become an employment bridge for veterans and military spouses who are a good fit to become Prudential advisors. We really vetted Prudential’s training program to make sure that it is solid, with strong support to give people every opportunity and the support to be successful. On our end, we will provide our Employment Transition Resilience Coaching, to help our veterans and military spouses with building the intangible skills and balancing work-life issues, so that they will have that extra layer of support to successfully make the transition. We are proud to be able to form this partnership and support our veterans and military spouses in pursuing entrepreneurship as an alternative to economic self-sustainability.
A word to the wise, whether you are a veteran, a military spouse, or an organization who serves them. Beware of what companies offer, particularly the multi-level marketing companies. Many companies who have approached us do a one day training, give you business cards and a webpage, shake your hand, and say, “Now go make money.” That is not a training program and most of those offers will not lead to a viable income stream capable of supporting a family. That is a recipe for frustration and failure. A solid program is actually selective about who they take into the program. They have weeks or months of training, depending on the product or service. This is followed by a year or more of mentoring and company support to make a new representative successful. And, ideally, the company is invested enough in their new representative that they offer some kind of base pay or performance bonuses to help the initial transition when money isn’t flowing in.
So, we are pleased and proud to be partnering with a company of Prudential’s reputation. And, thinking big, we of course have our eye on a nationally replicable model.
changing the world, one conversation at a time, gretchen
It’s Friday. It’s been a long, challenging week. You’ve done a lot. You’ve managed a lot. Now, it’s time to acknowledge yourself and celebrate. I know this may seem counter-intuitive in the middle of a crisis with a sudden setback. AND, it’s a critical part of self-care. You may not feel like a party, and that’s okay. But you must find a way to really take in everything you are doing and give yourself credit for that.
At minimum, make a list of everything you have accomplished, every step forward, no matter how small. Read it as many times as you need to until you can say to yourself, ”I really did a lot and I feel good about what I did.” (You have to mean it, too!) If your energy is low, find some quiet ways to celebrate yourself. Have a glass of wine on the deck in the evening and toast yourself. Take a long hot bath, with candles and the good smelling soap, and remind yourself that you deserve this.
If you feel up to a real celebration, and it will move you forward and energize you, good for you! Make a special dinner complete with dessert (YOUR favorite kind, not the kid’s or your husband’s). Go out for margaritas and guacamoles with your girlfriends. Put on your favorite salsa CD and go wild dancing (this may or may not be paired with the margaritas). Go see that movie you’ve been dying to see. And, if you are leaving someone in the hospital or rehab center, or at home, please do not feel guilty. Caregiving is a significant stress. You anchor and rejuvenate your loved one with your caregiving. You deserve to do what anchors and rejuvenates you; it’s actually vital. Happy Weekend!
we’ll get through this, we always do, gretchen
